I had tons of them. Bad habits, I mean… All in all, I was a loving kid and cared about others. But God help them if they disagreed with me on anything. I would sink into infuriating silence, or worse explode at them. When grandma would prepare lunch for me, instead of telling her I don’t feel like eating, I would discard it in a plastic bag and toss in the garbage on my way to school. I used to grind my teeth at night and harbored a lot of resentment when I didn’t have things my way. I held a grudge on anyone who unintentionally hurt me. I drove my parents nuts studying all night and fighting to be # 1 in class. I fished for compliments and craved attention and would get upset if people didn’t treat me as the main attraction. As I hit puberty all these negative tendencies sunk into shyness. I shut myself in, and didn’t mingle much. I no longer fought with anyone over opinions. I escaped in fiction novels and esoteric books. But this aloofness didn’t help me deal with my childhood habits.

I was 16, and very much into theatre when I caught a glimpse of my shadow self in the mirror. I had an assignment where I needed to paint a portrait of my shadow self through pantomime and movement. So I went home and stood in front of the mirror for an hour. I did nothing but stared at myself. All of a sudden I confronted all the demons lurking behind my radiant predisposition and kind personality. Quite unexpectedly I saw hatred, envy, greed, attachments and a blindly ambitious ego. I was ashamed of myself for being such a failure. I thought to myself: “I am a loving person? Where do these toxic feelings come from? How could I shine light on the generous, warm-hearted and wise person inside of me? Where do these ugly behaviors and fears come from? Is there any way I can get rid of my negativities – some magic bullet to destroy my fearfulness, anger and insecurity?

The answer actually came six years later when I took up yoga in college. I began to meditate regularly and practiced one of the yogic observances “svadiyaya” – self-study. I found out that there was no magic bullet in yoga or any other spiritual path, for eliminating negativities. Instead you need to bring them to consciousness, learn the lessons they have to teach you and work with them. The painful “samskaras” – deep mental grooves that an lead to negative behaviors, will continue to ambush your thoughts and turn into unwanted habitual patterns until you expose them through your vulnerability. As you accept them as intrinsic aspects of your consciousness, you see that they account for your shadow self. Once you release the energy tied up with them, your shadow becomes available for your personal and spiritual growth. Eventually you reach a point where you have to deal with these negative tendencies and try not to repeat them. And this takes sincerity, self-criticism and awareness. Because your unconscious shadow attitudes become the lenses through which you look at life. Refusing to “own” a shadow tendency just makes you unaware that it is actually distorting your perspective. When you can’t see something in your self, you inevitably project the quality on someone else, either judging, or admiring that quality in them.

Bad habits are nasty and hard to eradicate. They could be inherited, imposed or simply acquired through external influence. They range from always being late, to gossiping about others, biting your nails, smoking, drinking, overeating, not chewing your food sufficiently to holding grudge on others or being resentful. They could manifest in erupting to someone, or masking your insecurity with boastfulness, or just having constant emotional swings. The habit actually takes over your mind and creates a reality that doesn’t really exist… Your mind allows this because the pain of your current reality is unbearable.

The shadow is the antidote of your real self. It is the person you’d rather not be. The yogis labeled this skewed traits as “kleshas” or causes for suffering. They are the demonic aspects that make you selfish, primitive, egoic, violent, lazy, or even entitled. Once you cook these aspects in the shadow of awareness, you proudly own shadow and begin to modulate and integrate it. Learning to recognize your shadow can transform your relationship to other people and yourself. You’ll have an easier time accepting constructive feedback once you’ve recognized that your critic is the one who’s beating you up, and not the person who’s trying to give you useful critique.

You will find that your shadow work can dissolve many of your negative feelings about yourself – such feelings of shame and unworthiness, or the sneaking subconscious that your are not the person you pretend to be. It also becomes easier to notice and let go of unconscious behavior patterns like being deceitful, blowing up at your parents, or choosing partners who tend to take advantage of you.

As I started to engage in shadow work and inquire within, I exhibited a high degree of balance, tolerance, and self-acceptance. My ethics were no longer cut by my unconscious impulses, emotionally charged projections or negative patterns. I began to acknowledge my disowned traits and I caught glimpses of what genuine inner balance felt like. It was painful to become aware of the deep-seated shadow traits that went back to early childhood and all the disapproval that actually made me cover or repress these qualities. As I had repressed these unacceptable qualities I had lost the opportunity to work with them and find their positive counterparts. And in deed through active contemplation, I managed to do so. My childhood anger turned into maturity that allowed me to assert myself in a challenging situation, my sadness developed into a capacity for deep empathy, my fearfulness had the potential to blossom into healthy vulnerability; my impulsiveness into genuine spontaneity.

Suddenly my shadow transformed into creative source of energy. Practicing the ethical codes of purification and keen observation, and purifying the imposed self through asana, mantra and meditation were powerful tools for clearing negativities. I realized that it was possible to liberate the energy tied up in the shadow and turn it into a positive goal. Yoga allows you to find the mystery hidden in shadow energy. It arms you with “spanda” or the transformative energy of the universe that gives you the power to make and evolutionary leap. It can be found with great immediacy in moments of intense feeling and passion – in anger, in fear, in deep confusion as well as joyful excitement.

When you next feel an upsurge of emotions don’t suppress them, but instead focus on the energy present in these intense emotions and direct your focus inwards into the heart of that energy or impulse, rather than act it out. Then you can ride any negative habit into its source – the pure consciousness that is your divine core.

Yogea Meditation for eradicating negative habits: Illuminate Your Shadow

This Yogea breathing and meditation practice draws on the ancient tradition of “Kundalini” yoga and fuses ecstatic ventilation breathing with pacifying meridian crossing along with mudra and creative visualization. The emphasis is on invoking “spanda” or the transformative energy of the universe into every cell of the body in an attempt to burn the negative tendencies in the fire of awareness. A spiral dance of the arms coiling like tendrils around the spine represents the entwining into the shadow’s web, while gentle tapping and opening of the nerve channels shows the power of the mind to acknowledge and dispel negative patterns. A clearing meditation allows you to embrace your shadow and shed light on those suppressed emotions that hinder your growth. Once all fear is released you blossom into a state of full absorption and your split personality integrates into your pure self.